2ND WEEK OF SEPTEMBER
THROUGH OUT THE FIRST WEEK, I HAVE:

1. Lived a very intentional life, everyday.
2. Exercised my writing habit for people.
3. Had really deep thoughts about my life (which was a bit frustrating and tiring)
4. Taken my time to appreciate my surroundings and see the beauty of creation.
5. Managed to stay off social media during the day.
6. Tried to build my faith and back it up with reasons that are meaningful to me.
7. Had nice conversations with some of the people I was stalking.
8. Prayed for someone each day (amazing if you asked me)
   Not so much but let’s see how this week goes…
   

GROWING PAINS

I have seen the term Growing Pains but I never really checked out what it meant because from the first day I set my wandering eyes on it, I registered one thing: It was what I was feeling everyday.
In this fast paced world with different shades of the same thing, it’s easy to loose yourself.

I dedicate my today’s thoughts to any one feeling depressed. This is in respect of this week, Suicide prevention week.
There are more than a thousand reasons for teens, young adults and even aged adults to be depressed. My focus for today is being depressed because of your growing pains.

Growth as I have experienced is not easy. There is the part where you have decided to make good use of your life, you’ve decided to be useful to the earth, you’re ready to do hard and amazing cool things but it feels like the whole of earth is against you because you don’t even know what to do, not to say you don’t even know where to start. Your mind is not helping you because you can’t even see a map of where you’re going to. This is depressing for people looking out for how they can start building their dream life. This feeling of being too dumb to figure things out and the feeling of not being good enough is bad on our self image and growth.

Here is a fast thing I want to say:
I have been deeply depressed. The one that doesn’t have to do with anybody else but yourself. There was no other person to be angry and furious at but myself. I felt like only me can help me figure out my life but I was being too dumb to even answer questions about myself. Questions like, what do you love doing, what are you good at; these questions were disturbing to me because I just couldn’t find the answers no matter how much I thought about them. My mind became a battle ground for angry thoughts and that made me feel a very obvious void in my chest. Like hot gases swirling in my chest and stomach. It was a living nightmare.
There are more hurtful reasons to be depressed but we can’t lie that it always boils down to one thing: the thought that we could just let go of our miserable lives already.

I thought of suicide, it looked inviting to me but I just couldn’t do it for a simple reason that if hell did exist, I didn’t deserve to go to hell. I believed I had already gone through so much emotional pain here on earth and I didn’t deserve another fleet of pain in hell. If suicide did lead to hell, I wasn’t going to take that root. The whole essence of dying was so I can find rest not pain.

I took another root. I stayed with the pain long enough to know it waan’t normal. I reached out to a woman I didn’t know but works in my school’s Medical Center. She felt pity for me, she was the right person and I didn’t plan talking to her. I just walked down to the Medical Center, opened the door and said “I need help”. While she was telling me the doctors were not in, she saw the silent tears and asked me to take a sit. We went through God’s word, the bible and we prayed.
The pain didn’t go away immediately, it didn’t go away for days, months; but I had a hope that it was going to go no matter how long it took. I felt truly lighter.

I didn’t plan saying so much of the story, but there goes nothing. This is not all, the story is darker and longer than this but here’s the next thing I want to paint in your hearts:
I am happy I was depressed. I am grateful to God for letting depression crawl into my soul. Why? Because that’s what growth is all about. It’s about knowing something is wrong and seeking for answers and solutions rather than running away from it. It’s about being strong, remaining in a skin you wish to run away from, long enough to be able to control that skin. It’s about adapting to the language of growth which is pain and discomfort.
If I was not depressed, I wouldn’t have had a soft spot for human suffering. I wouldn’t be reading books and seeking principles. I wouldn’t be taking the next step towards finding my life path.

Although I am not a Buddhist, the Buddha once said, “Pain is inevitable ” and this is a general truth. It should be a mindset we carry about. It’s a mindset for survivors and we all know from the cave men days, life has been about adaptation and survival. Preys find ways to block off predators and even a prey can switch to be a predator if it finds its strength; Else how do you explain large HUMANS fighting BACTERIA.

From biology class, I was thought that vaccination is introducing a weaker bacteria into a human’s system so the immune system adapts to fighting that bacteria, this helps build immunity against stronger bacteria. This is how growth works… If you desire to grow you have to learn how to adapt to pain because pain can never go away. Evil will keep coming. You’ll face greater disappointments, heartbreaks, loss… More people will die and the economy will keep falling and rising.

Pain is not here to kill you. It only tells you the limit is being exceeded and change needs to happen. Something needs to be done.
Because I hanged on long enough to survive, I have realised that every down moment comes with a new level. I passed over my first depression. More darker ones might come in the future but I have a lesson engraved in my memory of depression.
When the growing pains I feel gets too much, I am reminded by my scars that a new version of me is being born. In the pain I find my distraction from anticipating the new version of me. And I am not going to settle for any negative version.
At least I’ll have a good story to tell. I’ll be able to genuinely pat someone on the back and wipe off a tear from another growing soul.

Hang on. Earth is still learning how to accommodate humans…

• 

To write love on her arms (twloha) is a community that tries to save more people from picking suicide over growing. They Try to create suicide awareness and share survivors stories. In respect to suicide prevention week you can check them out on instagram @twloha
Also follow and use the hash tag:

#youmaketodaybetter

You make today better. The world is better because you’re adapting and growing.