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In her September Thoughts

4ourTh SepteMber

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04 September 2019
Maybe today wasn’t so great. Maybe it was.
Today is not a day I can call productive, except stalking successful people became something amazingly productive.
In the process of becoming, I have stopped at different junctions. I have screamed at several junctions just to justify my frustration.

The part I’ll not forget is the part where you see other people living your dreams already. This will not be toxic for you if you stick to being happy they’re making it rather than comparing. This is pretty hard but it’s the right thing to do.
Well, in other to become what you desire … I think it’s necessary to stalk and admire and simply see how others live your dreams. If this doesn’t happen you wouldn’t really know what your dreams look like. You’ve got to see other people rock it better.

Mark Manson has led me through the acknowledgement of our innate human languages: pain, suffering, being unsatisfied e.t.c. Satisfaction, fulfilment and happiness are not constant, it’s a constant walk towards them.

I downloaded a piece title peaceful relaxing soothing… It will be playing for over one hour and for the next one hour I pray I don’t over analyse my invisible work and progress. Maybe all I want to do is drown and feel the words in the title of this tune I downloaded. Like nothing ever happened. Like I don’t feel frustrated. Like the money I spent on purchasing the data I used for simply stalking the internet will turn into an investment.
So much cash, that I don’t have. So all that’s left to investing is my time, mind and emotions. Maybe the tune turned intoxicating cause my hands are just dancing on the keyboard while my eyes are staring at the words I am creating on the white screen.
Just right now, it started raining and the lights went out. Some things will never stop seeming magical… I
I just…

P. S Sorry this post is too personal and….

But that’s what this month’s for. I have to write everyday. It’s a challenge and I took it. And whether it makes sense or not, I AM POSTING IT!

NOTE: The post picture was not taken by me.

Fighting!

In her September Thoughts, Timely Series

FRisT SepTemBer

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Welcome to the month of September and this month I’m trying out intentional living. It’s pretty hard to stay conscious of your actions even for just a day. The feeling of being overwhelmed or taken unawares makes this possible. Even at this, for just a fraction of the day we can take our time to acknowledge our thoughts.

September morning thoughts
Over no coffee…

1 September 2019
You pretty much woke up to first September without thinking about it the previous night. You weren’t even conscious of the fact that the next morning was a new month. So, you pretty much rushed your way through church preparations…

At 1:00 AM you were resisting your sleep just so you can put this thought down:
What if I could play the piano so well.
What if I had a grand piano.
What if I wasn’t really scared of learning? Or not so lazy?
What if I was a polyglot already? Without so much of the work.
What if I bought a guitar with my food summit fee? What if I had enough money, and much more, enough confidence to invite the girls I love for a night chat over nice snack. What if I had an apartment for this?
What if I had my room on the roof top.
What if I already got most of the things I wished for.
In the deepest, what if all the people I admire from afar, the people that love me from afar, get to live close to me and realise I am not the angel they thought I was. What if at that close moment they face a reality of broken expectations. I just hope they know from the distance that I am not perfect. If the people around me can find me tiring, what happens to all those that love me from the different time zones we live?
What if I disappoint the people I admire from afar?

The ones that only receive my messages and not my attitude.

Fresh bugs… Mind bugs.

When I thought of why and how to release these thoughts for other people to see, I cringed again.

Why do you want people reading and knowing what you’re thinking? Are you a star? Why do you think people will want to know what you’re facing? Remember you’re boring and pretty weird. Even your mom says you talk about weird things and write in a weird style… I think she used a word worst than weird.


Where do you even put it? You don’t have a great blog? The free one looks so immature and people like high quality stuff; I’m sure you know that.

Just wave this off and go the hell to sleep. That’s all you need.

In that moment the only present answer I had to put myself back to sleep was, because I want to, I just want to.
Is that enough?

Do you ever feel like all there is to you are inadequacies and more of the statement

“It’s not good enough”

It’s not good enough is reality and that’s what makes it good enough.

#beginnings