Welcome to the month of September and this month I’m trying out intentional living. It’s pretty hard to stay conscious of your actions even for just a day. The feeling of being overwhelmed or taken unawares makes this possible. Even at this, for just a fraction of the day we can take our time to acknowledge our thoughts.
September morning thoughts
Over no coffee…
1 September 2019
You pretty much woke up to first September without thinking about it the previous night. You weren’t even conscious of the fact that the next morning was a new month. So, you pretty much rushed your way through church preparations…
At 1:00 AM you were resisting your sleep just so you can put this thought down:
What if I could play the piano so well.
What if I had a grand piano.
What if I wasn’t really scared of learning? Or not so lazy?
What if I was a polyglot already? Without so much of the work.
What if I bought a guitar with my food summit fee? What if I had enough money, and much more, enough confidence to invite the girls I love for a night chat over nice snack. What if I had an apartment for this?
What if I had my room on the roof top.
What if I already got most of the things I wished for.
In the deepest, what if all the people I admire from afar, the people that love me from afar, get to live close to me and realise I am not the angel they thought I was. What if at that close moment they face a reality of broken expectations. I just hope they know from the distance that I am not perfect. If the people around me can find me tiring, what happens to all those that love me from the different time zones we live?
What if I disappoint the people I admire from afar?
The ones that only receive my messages and not my attitude.
Fresh bugs… Mind bugs.
When I thought of why and how to release these thoughts for other people to see, I cringed again.
Why do you want people reading and knowing what you’re thinking? Are you a star? Why do you think people will want to know what you’re facing? Remember you’re boring and pretty weird. Even your mom says you talk about weird things and write in a weird style… I think she used a word worst than weird.
Where do you even put it? You don’t have a great blog? The free one looks so immature and people like high quality stuff; I’m sure you know that.
Just wave this off and go the hell to sleep. That’s all you need.
In that moment the only present answer I had to put myself back to sleep was, because I want to, I just want to.
Is that enough?
Do you ever feel like all there is to you are inadequacies and more of the statement
“It’s not good enough”
#beginnings
The Purple Journal 